6 12 11 HT AM

This morning I want to talk to you about “RELATIONSHIP ORDER” – we are going to look at various passages of Scripture so be ready to turn quickly in your Bible. Each of us have various relationship connections that make up most of our relational life – regretfully our ignorance of relational order often causes these relationship interchanges to be places of friction rather than fruitfulness.

The summer months are upon us – over the next few months most of us will experience a surge of face-to-face time with those we see little of all year long.  While summers are hot – our understanding of Relationship Order will keep the heat of conflict outside of our relationships.

God works through governing order – in creation, God brought an end to CHAOS bring creating ORDER Genesis 1, in Exodus 20 – God set Relational order in the 10 Commandments with the 1^st Commandment “no other Gods before me” the principles of creation and the ten commandments still apply today. When you violate governing order you step outside of His covering and blessing and possibly into disobedience bringing about sin and destruction, consider this from the book of Genesis.

Example – Adam and Eve in the Garden –

• Adam listened to Eve above God

1 Timothy 2:14 NKJV

And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression.

• Eve listened to the serpent above her husband ( God had told Adam, he was to tell Eve

This morning is about the concept of relationship order and its transitions –I would encourage everyone one of you to listen to the message series taught by Pastor Holden two years ago “ the Five most important things in my life” ( CD or iTunes)

1.Not every relationship is equal – Not everyone deserves the same treatment.  When we make them equal we open the door for sin in our life  – Scripture to Consider,

Matthew 10:37 NIV Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me;

This verse is NOT against your parents or kids – its FOR order! Relationship order – NOTHING is to be ahead of God in your life!

Many of our great dilemmas today is we have allowed things to find themselves outside of God’s order…. Starting with this one and moving all the way down.

2. Always honor the higher level of relationship

1 Samuel 2:28 MSG Out of all the tribes of Israel, I chose your family to be my priests: to preside at the altar, to burn incense, to wear the priestly robes in my presence. I put your ancestral family in charge of all the sacrificial offerings of Israel.

1 Samuel 2:29 So why do you now treat as mere loot these very sacrificial offerings that I commanded for my worship? Why do you treat your sons better than me, turning them loose to get fat on these offerings, and ignoring me?

1 Samuel 2:30 Therefore—this is God’s word, the God of Israel speaking—I once said that you and your ancestral family would be my priests indefinitely, but now—God’s word, remember!—there is no way this can continue. I honor those who honor me; those who scorn me I demean.

Issue here – Eli the priest was honoring his sons above God. He was allowing (by not stopping them) them to partake of what was rightfully Gods.

EXAMPLE

When you teach your kids that Family is more important than God – you place something lower above something higher.(don’t make this an either or scenario, you can have both). You usually teach this not by what you say but by what you do J

When a husband and wife disagree in front of the child about the child they have shown the lower relationship that it has a priority (go in private)..
Sin is the outcome of putting something that should be lower above something that should be higher (1st commandment)

3. Always protect the “higher” from the “lower”

Matthew 16:26 NKJV

For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?

4. Expect relationship transitions

Matthew 19:4 NKJV

And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who ◙ made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ ◙

Matthew 19:5

and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? ◙

Matthew 19:6

So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Leave and be joined to spouse – this is a relationship transition – priority becomes the spouse, not the parent.

You need to visualize how you are going to transition as life progresses – to many never see themselves not being who they are presently!

5. When you Honor Gods Relationship order God will honor you!

Ephesians 6:1 NKJV

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

Ephesians 6:2

“Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise:

Ephesians 6:3

“that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” ◙

What is the Holy Spirit speaking to you today?

This week I have been learning much about Biblical culture and better application of Scripture through an awareness of times and surrounding when the Scriptures where written. A bit of an awakening happened for me personally as I heard a Jewish man tell of how he trained his children in both faith and function. In processing the events of the day I came to verse that is often used to process the training of our children; Proverbs 22:6 NKJV Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it. Most often this verse is used solely in the context of ones faith – clearly this application is understood and by no means misapplied – there is however additional application as I read it.

Keep close in mind that Scripture is often like an iceberg, meaning there is more than meets the eye; this is certainly the case with the Proverbs as they are simple sayings of wisdom with literally mountains of insight. I believe there is also a strong implication here in the area of function – allow me some liberty here to make my point, here is my revised addition of this Proverb; “train up a child in the way he should function and when he is old he will not depart from it. Faith is a huge thing and the primary thing for parents to establish – however function should not be left out. I believe it’s this area that many way overlook hoping that simply teaching faith will make everything else better! Well it will not. Like failing to teach faith, failing to teach function will mess up your child! To further stress my point let me bring in another verse for the NT Ephesians 6:4 NKJV And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. As you read this verse the clear application is that of spiritual – however it never removes the idea of functional. The early part of this verse is the focus for this present topic – a frustrated child is one who does not know how to do, when to do, why to do or what to do! That’s FRUSTRATION! When the demands of life are barreling down on your kids and they simply are “not functional” because no one told them how, when, why or what, they will be FRUSTRATED!

Like the time I borrowed a friends boat – he never mentioned there is a plug in the rear of the boat (thought that was for bathtubs only) suddenly the boat is filling up with water and I did not know how, when, why and the what of the boat. The boat was taking on water and I was FRUSTRATED! Pretty sure you have the point here so lets move to you the parent.

First you must have the mindset that parenting is about raising adults not raising kids (yell at me now mommas). Once you get past all the smells good and bad of the baby stage, all the giggles and frustrations of the toddler stage all the learning curves of the adolescent stage and the challenges of the teenage stage, bam boom the kid is off the stage and now a full grown adult joining with someone else’s stage – get it? They are LIVE and living! Let me hit three simply areas (not the only ares) that parents must train their kids how to function in order for them to branch out have be successful adults and parents themselves here they are;

1. Communication

Most kids learn about BAD communication from their homes more than good. Husbands and wives typically have polar styles of communication beginning with the male and femaleness of marriage and working down to the business of schedules and the removal of kids from healthy family discussion. Most learn either a passive or aggressive model from one parent, which they either model or resent and revolt going the complete opposite. Solutions – teach your kids about listening not just speaking. Train them about conversing not just controlling. Train them about caring not just demanding. Train them that words can be controlled. Train them to express thoughts in safe places without feeling rejected if a thought is not acted on. Train them that communication is not about being right or wrong but about understanding before being understood.

2. Conflict

Most kids learn that conflict is either avoided or an assault in the home. I totally preach that parents should not have conflict in front of the kids – they should however use the parent child conflicts to teach the kids and at the right age allow the kids to know that even parents may have healthy conflict (this would be afterwards NOT during). Solutions – Train them that conflict is inevitable in life! Train them that conflict is usually the outcome of FRUSTRATION and can really be avoided by healthier communication (point 1). Train them that conflicts are not about winning or losing but about growing. Train them that conflict requires personal maturity. Train them that conflict brings out the worst in us so we know what items to clean out of life (like a sewer back up) not just tolerate in our life. Train them that conflict often reveals an unspoken desire or even insecurity in each person. Train them that a soft answer turns away wrath but a humble heart builds a bridge to intimacy. Train them to create win wins in conflict NOT wins and losses (this is NOT compromising) Train them that conflicts that are solved are not repeated, while the ones set aside are like a broken record. Train them that anything you cannot talk about as a mature person will never be resolved – agreeing to disagree is pure stupidity and is the “platform” of the stubborn and selfish heart.

3. Connection

Things that are unplugged don’t usually work! True with appliances and true in life. When it comes to connection I simply want to put this in the perspective of spiritual, emotional and physical connection. Solutions – Train them how to connect with God. Train them in his Word and ways. Train them how to connect with others; this involves reaching out and being inclusive having a great deal of self-esteem and personal values. Train them who NOT to connect with and who they SHOULD connect with, training them HOW to choose not just WHO. Train them about deeper levels of connection and the physical side of connection meaning sexual intimacy in marriage. Most marriages do NOT have sexual intimacy building a healthy home because VERY few parents ever teach sex as a connection between spouse – choosing the reproduction mechanics and their own discomfort as a bailout for “the talk”! Train them that God made us male and female therefore gender roles should never be an issue but a celebration. Most people never figure out that if sex in marriage was only for pro-creation we would only “mate” once per year and there would be ZERO attraction factor in human sexuality – pretty sure the bucks do not sit on the hillside and watch for the prettiest doe to walk by! Ever seen a doe? They all look the same! Sex in marriage is about connection not creation! Creation is a part but really a very small part! Most couples have their kids in the first 1-10 years of marriage, if marriage is for life and you live to be 85 what about the next 50 years? It’s about connection!

So dads and moms – lets get to work! Lets train our kids in the way they should FUNCITON and some day they will thank you for it and so will the lucky person who marries them!

1. Be proactive NOT reactive
2. When you hear comments or things said about sex in your home by your kids – DON’T PANIC! Use everything to teach in some way (trust me it will be said)
3. God designed both male and female bodies (Genesis 2)
4. While we are uniquely made we are equally made
5. Sexuality is not a place for gender stereotypes – rather understanding our individual roles
6. Our bodies are not bad (avoid telling your kids “DON’T TOUCH THAT” – rather teach privacy, decency and not being over occupied.
7. Understand that sexuality finds boys – at the earliest of ages the male body starts talking and taking up space and time
8. Never say sex is BAD – always say its for marriage and it’s a gift from God (1 Cor. 7)
9. You teach your kids most about sex by how you respond to the subject and how you engage sex in marriage or abstain if single.  While kids may never know you actually have sex for a long time they can sense the attitude toward sex in any home.
10. Your kids will never be comfortable with sex if you are not
11. A open healthy attitude toward sex keeps sex in the daylight and not the secrecy of darkness
12. Guard your TV and other forms of media
13. Around the house a mother should dress appropriately as boys age – a mommas nightgown when she is raising a 2 year old may not be acceptable to the 12 year old  (what daddy likes the boys should not see J)
14. Lock your bedroom door – you will ruin you kids if they catch you in the act
15. Discuss at the right time the opposite sex (females) (sex talks should be in sessions and based on where you feel your child is ) Better off early than to be late
16. there is a 99.9% chance you kid will discover pornography no matter how hard you try – be ready to deal with it – why its wrong, what it does, the consequences and the falsehoods – THAT’S GROSS is not a way to teach or train ( there is lots of material on this – oh and btw DONT DO THIS YOURSELF!!!! ITS LETHAL)
17. Mommas should teach boys healthy boundaries with themselves – you cannot wrestle with your kids at certain ages – and they do not need to feel certain places on their mother’s bodies (start side hugging now and kissing on cheeks)
18. You need an informed approach to the “M” word- as a parent decide your informed approach, distinguish between natural and not natural
19. Never associate shame with sex – talk about control, discipline, honor the body and honor others and their bodies
20. Teach your kids patience, abstinence and trust
21. Teach them to talk to you – be informed as a parent – a good science book or human anatomy book is helpful – avoid pet names for body parts and call them by the proper terms “
22. Biggest challenge to talking to kids about sex is most families do not have a healthy Biblical sex life –rather one driven by fears, stereotypes, past hurts and cultural perversion
23. Teach your kids that even when they are sexually aware they can still be properly affectionate with parents and friends – teach them the healthy touch zones…. Do not allow your kids to “lay” all over people but to have healthy touch – affection is an important part of our human development.
24. Reinforce that God made us male and female and that’s OK, EMPHASIZE THAT GOD DID THIS!
25. If you are made aware of any form of sexual abuse – DEAL WITH THIS IMMEDIATELY!
26. You will have to address homosexuality – its an absolute sin and very destructive – while we should never promote wrong emotions toward homosexuals we must clarify its absolutely wrong – this of course is very counter the culture

I highly suggest you read the book King Me – Steve Farrar ( a great read for Dad, Mom and Kids at the right age)